"Present effects are due to karmic causes from the past. However, future effects arise from the causes we make in the present. It is always the present that counts." - Daisaku Ikeda
For most of my adult life, I've sought external validation. Most likely to compensate for the deep seated "you're not good enough" effects of my dysfunctional childhood. Yet, I am very aware Buddhism encourages its followers to believe in their Buddha or enlightened nature – 'to concern oneself with the present and the future,' as opposed to living in the past. Clearly a meaningful goal. But those stubborn early negative experiences can easily hinder my ability to have compassion for myself and to be in the moment.
Especially for the last several years, I've been exploring what my life would be like if the validation of my worth as a human being came from within. In other words, how would I feel if I were to truly embrace and integrate those early experiences and associated emotions that are no longer my current reality. In this way, I am witnessing how the past, present and future can collide. It's what I choose to do with this collision that will determine the outcome. After all, finding inner peace and happiness is exactly why I started this spiritual journey so many years ago.
This isn't a painless journey! As I have given permission for these buried feelings to see the light of day, I have experienced a corresponding fear and sadness. But I am also noticing an inner satisfaction with myself that doesn't depend on the opinion of others.
I am confident that as long as I continue to practice Buddhism, I will do my human revolution and learn how to only suffer what is necessary to suffer in this present moment which, I'm finding, leaves ample room for happiness. It is this struggle that allows me to find meaning in the crazy world in which we live.