I once wrote an article about trying to focus my attention on helping others. I received many responses including a friend who emailed, "My problem is that I usually give so much of myself to other people that there is too little time left for me." This reminded me that for many people, saying no is a tremendous challenge.
Some people overcommit even when it jeopardizes their mental and physical health. In my younger days, when I tried to slow down, I would be overcome with dark feelings. So, I survived by saying yes to everything and filling my schedule. Eventually, I ran out of gas!
Daisaku Ikeda had this to say about the importance of uncovering the true aspect of our lives, a critical first step in developing the insight to make wise decisions: "A mind now clouded by the illusions of the innate darkness of life is like a tarnished mirror, but when polished, it is sure to become like a clear mirror, reflecting the essential nature of phenomena and the true aspect of reality. Arouse deep faith, and diligently polish your mirror day and night. How should you polish it? Only by chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo."
As a young manager at an aerospace company in the 1980s, my peers were working very long hours. Just for curiosity's sake, I asked different executives if there was anything in their career that they would have done differently if given the chance. Their answers gave me a lot to chant about.
Every single one told me that they wished they hadn't worked such long hours and that, in hindsight, they should have avoided bringing their work home. Because, as a result, they all ended up divorced and estranged from their adult children. I made a strong determination to make my relationship with my wife and daughters a priority.
With business travel and regular deadlines, maintaining a work-family balance was always on my mind. I once flew home to Virginia from Amsterdam just to catch one of my older daughter's ballet recitals and then took a plane back to London the next day to finish my trip. She never forgot that. I also made it a habit to leave the office on time unless I had critical work to get done as opposed to just staying late because others were.
As a leadership coach, I had many executives tell me that my biggest contribution was to help them learn to say “No.” Basically, to understand work-life-health balance and the importance of setting their own and their organization’s priorities.
There are many excellent articles on the Internet about how to say no. But the first step is to overcome the underlying fear and to grasp why it is important to sometimes take a pass. This one change revolutionized my life. And I suspect it will improve yours as well.